Saturday, June 29, 2013



Apрliсants proficient in Engӏish and Cantonеse, Czech, Danish, Dutch, French, German, Greek, Hebrew, Нungarian, Italiаn, Japanese and Swedish will bе preferrеd.

Our Fӏight Attendаnts are аctually the faсe оf our firm and shоuӏd be рassionаte about mаximizing еach clіent's еxрerience while expаnding the сompany name.

Flight Аttendаnt іs eхрeсted to givе sрarkling sеrviсe and show a hostіlity that wilӏ be remеmbered by our travelӏers.

In return, Our Cоmpany gives employees industry leadіng аdvаntages, goоd sаlaries, excellently dеsignеd unіforms аnd international travеl benеfits

A high schoоӏ diploma/General Еducation Degree and passport аre nеeded

Yes folks I am back!  I know it's been a while and you have all been eagerly awaiting my return so here I am!  The following is my cover letter in response to the ad above.

Dear Assholes,

I am applying to the job opportunity of Flight Executive that I most fortunately found on Craigslist today.  Normally airlines look for friendly flight attendants however I was excited to hear you are seeking hostile people to fill this job position.  Well, now that I think about it I have run into hostile flight attendants in the past especially on United Airlines (the not-so-friendly skies).  Nonetheless, I believe I am the person you are seeking.  

I am a professional bitch and am so amazed at the opportunity to bleed my bitterness and hostility on your passengers.  I promise not to provide excellent customer service but instead to throw coffee on anyone who dares to ask me for a refill, club anyone who gets up to use the bathroom when the seat belt sign is on, spray coughing and sneezing passengers with Lysol to prevent their disgusting germs from spreading, and if anyone is not paying attention to my in-flight safety demo I will immediately toss them out of the nearest emergency exit even if the flight is in midair.  Oh and I also promise not to help short people put their luggage into the overhead bins.  

Thanks douche bags for this incredible opportunity to become a hostile flight attendant.  You had better call me in for an interview.  I know where you work.

Steven Slater is my hero.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

My First Professional Sex Solicitation!! Check it...

Dan Stevens to hous-kkxbq-172.
show details May 4 (5 days ago)

I will be honest so dont yell at me if you dont like the offer. i am a 36/m/divorced with 2 boys ages 4 and 6. i can use help around the house as well as friendly benifits a few times a week. this would be on the basis of you being my discreet gf. I am not paying for sex.I am willing to let the person stay in my in law suite for rent free. it is a 2 bedroom and has a seperate bath, kitchen, living room. also there would be a salary for the right person depending on how much they would help.If you could help out for 2 hrs a day, i would pay you 1000 a month cash. if this sounds good so far, email me back...i also have pictures of it. send a pic, ill return

This email was sent to yours truly in response to the following CL ad that I posted while looking into options for temporary housing in my new place of residence:

My husband and I own a professional pet care company in Los Angeles. We are going to be making a move to Maui because my husband is a marine biologist and has just accepted a job with the Pacific Whale Foundation. We are going to need a temporary place to stay at the end of May for about a month until we find a more permanent situation. We would love to provide FREE pet care for your pets (dogs, cats, birds, fish or all of the above!) in exchange for letting us stay in your home. Presumably you would be traveling somewhere and would need our help caring for your animals. I would be at home most of the day because I run the pet care business from my computer so your dog or cat would get plenty of TLC! And for FREE!! We are a very reputable, insured and professional company who have been in business in LA for almost 6 years. We will be happy to send you additional information if you are interested. Also we can arrange a phone interview (or better yet, Skype). Pet care references are available upon request! We look forward to hearing from you. Please tell us about your location and your pets and what dates you will be away. Mark and Laurel.

Now either this perv did not read my original ad carefully or he is hoping he can arrange some Indecent Proposal situation with Mark and I. However $1000 is a far cry from $1M! I think I will respond back to him with the following. Let me know what you think!

Dear Dan:
I am excited to hear about the opportunity to "help out around your house" and provide to you "friendly benefits" two hours per day. Of course you are not paying for sex...nevermind the $1000 cash per month. I realize that will be our little secret. ;) I know I mentioned my husband in your ad (perhaps he can stay in the garage?) but I won't tell him about the sex part...instead I will tell him that I am simply tutoring your young boys with their schoolwork. Some people would find it horrifying that you have a live-in prostitute living amongst your 4 and 6 year old children but I think it is a great example to set for your boys at a young age on how women should be treated. Good for you! In the meantime I have attached a picture of myself so you can picture what it will be like seeing me both clean your toilet and rub my naked body all over you at your whim. All for only about $25 an hour! I am good at math too see? Can't wait to meet in person. Laurel (a.k.a. "Boris")

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

VEGAS FUN!! ANY ONE?? - m4mw

Whats up! hey check this out, Im planning on hitting up Vegas and I want someone to split a room with and hit up strip clubs and night clubs and bang some bomb ass pussy any one down to come with me (Guys or Girls couples whatever)? I will drive and we spilt every thing 50/50 trust me it will be fucking super FUN! me, Im 26 Latino 5'11 165 in great shape I dress good in ed hardy and Im cool as fuck so please be in the same area as I am so that way when we hit up the night clubs we can hit up on al the finest sluts, I am also making fake business cards with a pre-paid cell number such as we are business owners or pron producers some bull shit to get the sluts, I did this before with a buddie(hes married now) we had a blast we fucked 2 hot drunk chicks and shared them, Im down! Are YOU! hit me dudes lets fucken do THIS!!!!!
Picture for picture!

Oh man! I am down for some bomb ass Vegas pussy right after I slap you upside the head with a baseball bat and burn your Ed Hardy clothes. You have officially surpassed Tiger Woods and that ugly ex-governor dude with the bad hair on the Disgusting Pig of a Man List. We all know that an Ed Hardy-wearing fake-business-card-toting dude with no friends EQUALS low life slime bag sociopath with a micro-cock. Also anyone who says they are "cool as fuck" is obviously an annoying loser. Have fun in Vegas by yourself picking up some equally disgusting ho bags wearing designer crabs while you secretly dream about Fabio riding you like a cowboy and stroking your teeny weeny THEN smoke some more crack and lay yourself on the nearest train track.

(Thanks to Amy for finding this gem of an ad!)

Sunday, November 15, 2009


To be part of an art show near Downtown in January.

Noticeably pregnant (in January).

Not nude.....normal stripper clothes.

Reply to email above or to

Dear Kris,

Hi, my name is Mandy Knockup and I am a pregnant stripper. I am about 8 months along with twins so my tummy is extra big and I have a ton of stretch marks all over my boobies, belly, and butt. Most of my current clientele are pretty fetishy and enjoy multiple stretch marks. My babies kick sometimes too during my act and my audience can see clearly when they kick hard (kinda like that movie "Alien"). The tips are AMAZING when that happens. I am really hoping my water breaks on stage because it would be the BEST TIP NIGHT EVER! I am not sure what you mean by "normal stripper clothes" because usually I am totally nude during my act but I'm sure I can rustle up a couple of leather G-strings or something if that's what you require. I am sooo glad I ran across your ad! As you can imagine, stripper work is hard to come by when you're pregnant but with the right clientele, it's bank! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009



Submit bio, a photography, your availability in general terms but accurate terms, and your level of responsibility when it comes to modeling.

Dear Tool Who Posted This Ad,

I am an aspiring model and your ad intrigued me. I don't currently have "a photography" at this time but am open to having a photography taken and am very free-spirited (wink, wink). I am generally available seven days a week/24 hours per day but accurately only on Tuesdays at 7pm. As for my level of responsibility: I don't model and drive, I catwalk unto others as I would have them catwalk unto me, and I do not do porn videos for free (but for a discounted rate). I am sooo excited at the prospect of being hired for this very clear and concise modeling job opportunity and my goal is to receive world-wide exposure from working for you! Thanks again Craigslist for making all my dreams a reality!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Casting Call - ARMPIT MODELS!

Casting Call - younger and older female armpit models

Over 18 up to 50. Be sexy, friendly, open minded and ready to work. Send your pictures and number ASAP. only need two models right now. No sex. Start at $1,500 per week. Details when you are called back.

Mmmm...there's nothing like a good ARMPIT MODEL to get me going. They didn't say whether or not they wanted hair but I don't think there's anything better on a female than a couple of big puffs of black armpit fuzz. OH YEAH! Ladies: this is your BIG BREAK! Spielberg is a total armpit freak so you must submit to this worthy project right away. I will have my phone glued to my hand for the rest of the week in anticipation of a call back. My armpits are sexy.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Do you like to use Tweezers to Pluck Hair? $15/hr

Professional man needs person that is good with tweezers.
Must be patient and detailed oriented.
Pulling out hair root. Not just break off hair.
This is for grey head hair.
continuous basis
Must be patient and detailed oriented.
Flexible on Time and Place